A boundary is a clear statement of what you will do — not what they must do. Choose one thing that matters most for your wellbeing, say it calmly when they're sober, and follow through. It doesn't mean you've stopped caring; it means you're looking after yourself while staying open to connection.
Setting boundaries with someone you love who is using substances is one of the hardest things a human being can do. You are torn between wanting to protect them and needing to protect yourself. Between love and exhaustion. Between hope and despair.
In over 15 years of working with families affected by addiction, I have learned that boundaries are not about being harsh or giving up on someone. They are about defining what you can and cannot live with — so that you can stay in the relationship without destroying yourself in the process.
What a Boundary Actually Is
A boundary is not an ultimatum. It is not a punishment. It is not a way of controlling the other person's behaviour. A boundary is a statement about what you will do — not what they must do.
"If you come home intoxicated, I will take the children to my mother's house." That is a boundary.
"If you drink again, we're finished." That is an ultimatum.
The difference matters. Ultimatums try to control someone else's behaviour. Boundaries protect your own wellbeing. You cannot control whether someone drinks. You can control whether you stay in the room when they are drunk.
Why Boundaries Feel Impossible
If setting boundaries were easy, you would have done it already. The reasons it feels impossible are real:
- Guilt — "What if something happens to them because I did not help?"
- Fear — "What if they get worse? What if they leave?"
- Love — "I cannot just stop caring about them"
- Pressure — other family members telling you to "be more understanding"
- Exhaustion — you are too tired to fight another battle
- Hope — "Maybe this time it will be different"
These feelings are valid. A good therapist does not dismiss them. In family therapy, we work with all of these feelings — not around them.
Practical Steps to Setting Boundaries
1. Get Clear on What You Need
Before you can set a boundary, you need to know what you actually need. Not what you want them to do (stop drinking) — but what you need for your own wellbeing. "I need to sleep without being woken up." "I need the children to feel safe." "I need to stop lying to my friends about what is happening."
2. State It Clearly and Calmly
Choose a moment when the person is sober and relatively calm. Use "I" statements. "I have decided that I will not cover for you at work any more." Not "You need to sort yourself out." Be specific about what you will do, not what you want them to do.
3. Accept That They May Not Like It
The person using may respond with anger, guilt-tripping, bargaining, or withdrawal. This is predictable. It does not mean your boundary is wrong. It means the system is adjusting — and adjustment is uncomfortable for everyone.
4. Follow Through
A boundary you do not hold is not a boundary — it is a suggestion. Following through is the hardest part, which is why having support (a therapist, a support group, a trusted friend) can make a real difference.
5. Look After Yourself
Setting boundaries is emotionally draining. You need your own support — not just for the other person, but for you. Therapy for yourself is not selfish. It is essential.
What Boundaries Do NOT Mean
- They do not mean you have stopped loving the person
- They do not mean you are giving up on them
- They do not mean you are responsible if things get worse
- They do not mean you have to do this perfectly
You will wobble. You will doubt yourself. You will have days where you give in. That is human. The goal is not perfection — it is a gradual shift towards protecting your own wellbeing while staying open to connection.
When to Get Professional Support
If you are reading this and recognising your own situation, talking to a therapist who specialises in family addiction can help you:
- Identify which boundaries matter most right now
- Practise what to say and how to say it
- Process the guilt and fear that come with change
- Understand the difference between helping and enabling
- Find hope — realistic, grounded hope — that things can be different
I offer a free initial consultation by phone or video. Get in touch and we can talk about what is happening. No pressure, no judgement.
Frequently Asked Questions
What's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?
A boundary is about what you will do ("If you come home drunk, I'll take the children to my mother's"). An ultimatum tries to control what they do ("If you drink again, we're finished").
What if I can't follow through?
Most people wobble. Start with one boundary you're confident you can hold, and get support — a therapist, a group, a trusted friend.
Can therapy help me set boundaries?
Yes. Therapy is a place to work out which boundaries matter most, practise what to say, and deal with the guilt that often comes with change. I offer a free first conversation by phone or video.