When Your Partner Is Drinking or Using
If your partner is drinking or using drugs, you may feel exhausted, lonely and confused. You may love them and still feel you're running out of ways to cope. Therapy offers a space to work out a way through, whether they're ready to change or not.
Rebecca Mistry offers therapy for you as the partner of someone who drinks or uses drugs, and you can start without your partner coming. Her work with partners is informed by CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training), and sessions are at The Blossom Tree Clinic, Suite 2, 6A Love Lane, Pinner HA5 3EF, or online. The initial consultation is free, and session fees are on the fees page.
Living on high alert
When your partner is drinking or using, evenings can feel unpredictable. You may find yourself checking bottles, monitoring moods, covering for them at work or shielding the children — reading the signs, and hiding how bad things are from everyone else.
Over time, the relationship may change. Trust and closeness can wear thin, and you might feel more like a carer than a partner. Underneath it all, there may be a painful question: is this my life now?
How therapy can help
My work with partners is informed by CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training), an approach that works with the partners and family members of someone who drinks or uses drugs.
Together we might:
- Understand patterns that have developed within the relationship
- Explore other ways of responding when conversations become difficult
- Develop boundaries that protect your wellbeing while maintaining connection
- Reconnect with your own needs, interests and sources of support
- Build confidence in communicating what matters to you
- Consider what you need from the relationship, both now and in the future
In a randomised clinical trial reported by Miller, Meyers and Tonigan (1999), “130 concerned significant others (CSOs) were offered 1 of 3 different counseling approaches”. The authors report: “The CRAFT approach was more effective in engaging initially unmotivated problem drinkers in treatment (64%) as compared with the more commonly practiced Al-Anon (13%) and Johnson interventions (30%).” They add: “All 3 approaches were associated with similar improvement in CSO functioning and relationship quality.”
More about CRAFT: What is CRAFT?
A space to talk about difficult things
You may feel very alone, worry about being judged, feel reluctant to talk to others, or believe you should be able to cope on your own.
Therapy offers a confidential and compassionate environment where you can explore your experiences, make sense of what's been happening, and consider what support you need for yourself.
Common questions
My partner doesn't think they have a problem. Can therapy still help me?
You can start therapy without your partner's agreement or attendance. Sessions are a place to work on your own responses, boundaries and wellbeing, and on how you feel day to day.
Should I give them an ultimatum?
That's your decision, and therapy is a place to think it through. Together we can look at ways of communicating your needs and boundaries, including approaches drawn from CRAFT, without all-or-nothing pressure.
Is it my fault they drink?
No. You did not cause their substance use, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. But you can change how you respond to it, and that is something we can work on together.
What if I'm thinking about leaving?
Therapy is a safe space to explore that question honestly, without being told what to do. Whether you stay or leave, we can look at the patterns in your relationship as you work out what feels right for you.